Schrödinger’s Roadmap
August, 30, 2023 - Columbus OH
Product Managers at PERN (Product Envisioning Research Nexus) have recently made headlines after entangling a product manager named Schrödinger with a quantum particle, forcing the hapless PM to exist in a state of simultaneous clarity and ambiguity regarding his product roadmap.
“At any point of observation it can look different to the individual viewer. Much like a rainbow, everyone sees a rainbow, but everyone sees a different rainbow since the refraction from our viewpoint is different than the person you’re standing next to”
“It was ghastly,” says Shrödinger, who begged scientists to limit future tests to cats. “I was observing my neatly planned roadmap one minute, then suddenly it went fuzzy as the qubit became quantumly linked to my strategic mindset.”
In quantum physics, particles can exist in multiple states until “observed” and forced to take a definite value. PERN product manager, Zack Kelly, explained that, “at any point of observation, it can look different to the individual viewer. Much like a rainbow, everyone sees a rainbow, but everyone sees a different rainbow since the refraction from our viewpoint is different than the person you’re standing next to.” PERN researchers found a similar effect when entangling quanta with a product manager.
“If caught in this state, isolate yourself in a box and begin meowing pathetically until someone stages an observation intervention.”
“A Product Manager’s roadmap tends to exist in more speculative states, with milestones tied to shifting business priorities and customer feedback,” squeaked Dr. Meisenburg. “But once it becomes entangled and measured against the immutable physical demand of customers, things get dicey.”
While still reeling, Schrödinger has sought to make sense of the predicament. “I must now plan as if my features are simultaneously implemented and not,” he states with existential angst. “I’m also petrified of my sprint backlogs, for fear they’ve both met and missed their sprints at the same time. I just can’t know until customers observe and collapse the product wave function that we now embody.”
Renowned Product Management Guru and founder of Death Valley Product Group (DVPG), Farty Pagan - author of Product or Die: A Coach’s Tough Love Guide to Shipping - warned “quantum entanglement with a product roadmap is serious business. If caught in this state, isolate yourself in a box and begin meowing pathetically until someone stages an observation intervention.”
Product gurus advise others to avoid quantum-scale roadmapping perils by focusing on incremental delivery, rather than moonshots. “Take small steps grounded in reality,” advises product coach Blanck Pohr. “And hold stand-ups in places where you won’t risk entanglement with stray Higgs bosons. Baby steps to achieve product-market fit, and ensure that you’re observing your customer interactions regularly.
“Listen to Blanck,” urges Pagan. “Keep your roadmaps observed, incremental, and stateful. And for god’s sake, avoid the folks over at PERN while they sort this mess out.”
Contributing editors for this article: Claude Anthropic, Zack Kelly, and Michael Toland.
